Monday, April 29, 2013

Time and Anticipation...

So, as I mentioned in my last post, while I've not been posting lately, I have had a few starts. The following is developed from a post I had started a month ago, and never finished.

It is amazing how time creeps up on a person. They say that time seems to move most slowly in youth, and more rapidly as one ages. In other words, as a young person, the expectation is for me to think there is plenty of time, on one hand, and to bemoan the fact that the future is so far away on the other. I honestly have felt like this many times in the past. At the moment, however, it feels as though time is slipping through my fingers so fast, all I need to do is turn around twice and all those valuable years of youth will be lost forever. ...and to what gain?

Perception of time is a strange thing. As recently as 3 months ago, I had a comfortable "6 months" for preparation, and whatever, before my trip, and the leaving of all I've come to know and love. ..and hate. After my cross country road trip in February, I came back with, instead of "6 months" left, having only 2 months. Well, two periods of two months...

My birthday, the 4th of May.

When I first began contemplation for this trip, rapidly approaching two years ago, the time forward had become so compressed that my 20th birthday, the finality of my teens, was practically the same date as my departure. Suddenly, upon returning from the road trip, the time between then and my birthday was equal to the time between my birthday and departure.

Wow.. the conclusion of my teen years, the most difficult, the most formative, the most educational, the most influential years, perhaps, of my life.. So near, so imminent, so unavoidable, so.. unexpected.

No, I knew it was coming.. but, so soon?

To me, the 20's isn't the "play years", the time to enjoy myself, before settling down and becoming an adult. Rather, in my mind, the 20's, the third decade of my existence, is an intimidating, rapidly moving period, in which one must lay the foundations and find the directions which will set the course for life. Perhaps this is an oversimplification. Nonetheless, in my mind, by the time I hit 30, my course must be pretty well set. And here I am, entering my 20's, with no formal education, or even a start on one, no real marketable job skills, only a shaky foundation spiritually.. I feel as though I'm already behind the game.

It's time to get moving.

And speaking of moving..

There was a time when the time gap between where I was and my birthday was equal to the gap between my birthday and departure. Well, that first 2 month period has disappeared as quickly as if it were nothing. ...a mere mirage. Everything I had hoped to accomplish.. well, almost everything I had hoped to accomplish by this point, remains yet to be done. (I've sold $600 worth of personal items, yet my room is still overwhelming).

Not only is the imminence of my trip rapidly approaching, so is the short sighted nature of my plans. A year ago, I "knew" what I would be doing in 4 years. Now, I don't even know what I'll be doing a year from today. But I'm not too worried.. I've got 6 months of relative solitude to think that one over.

It's amazing how the value of something is never fully realized until one has to do without. 


There is a certain group of friends in my life who, for as long as they have existed as a group, have been the people I felt the most in common with, those who I would prefer to be with over all others. Yet, a year ago, even as recently as 6 months ago, I felt so distant from them, I virtually felt unable to communicate with these dear people. So much has changed in that time..

Now, just as I'm learning the mechanics of interaction, as I'm learning that I can, in fact, be quite a socialite at times, just as the connection is growing stronger at a rapid rate, I must leave. In some ways, I have more to lose by taking the trip now, than I did a year ago.

In a way, there's a sort of Jephthah's daughter feel about the matter. Having made a "vow", I must go on with the commitment, in spite of the fact that a part of me does not want to. Yet, before I go away, I have a last few months to spend with these friends, "in the mountains".. (well, my case, it's only for occasional visits, as opposed to actually living there..). The difference being that:  1) I was the one who made the promise, not someone else, 2) it was a commitment to myself, not so much to God, and 3) my going away is but for a short few months, and then I will have the opportunity to return - as opposed to my life coming to an end.

I've realized, after writing this far, that a conclusion is now in order.. an unending soliloquy on time passing simply will not do..

I guess the important thing is to 1) enjoy the interaction, enjoy life as it is, as much as I can, and 2) KEEP WORKING ON THAT TO-DO LIST, STUPID! haha, but in seriousness, there are times when in Seriously wish I had learned to focus better already.. Where does all that time go, anyway?

Well, to make the best of tomorrow, I must get to bed tonight. So, for the sake of my upcoming travels, I must now bid, adieu!

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